You are on a Widows GRIEF JOURNEY you didn’t choose to be on.
It will be one of the most challenging times in your life!
The pain, grief, and bereavement that you feel following your husband’s death are the most profound of all emotional experiences you will ever face into.
Most WIDOWS AGREE that One of their first reactions after their husband’s death was shock and numbness.
You’re experiencing shock.
It is a very typical response when you’ve lost the husband you love.
Feeling numb and shocked is normal. But it is so painful; it feels so terrible that your mind and emotions are overwhelmed.
Dazed…confused…bewildered...panicky... disoriented, paralyzed …surreal ... preoccupied.
These are the words you will hear other widows use to describe their experience of shock after the death of their husbands.
Denial is another common response after a major loss.
On one level, you know it’s true that he is gone, but on another level, you can’t believe it…you don’t want to believe it!
Can this be happening?
Isn’t this just a mistake?
There must be a way to fix it.
You hope and believe you’ll wake up and your husband will still be alive.
You can be thankful that you are in some shock. It is a blessing because it cushions you against the intense blow by blocking some of the emotional pain until you’re ready to handle the full impact of your loss.
This is why some widows seem so calm and composed at the wake or funeral of their husband.
Their shock is serving as an emotional anesthetic during a time of unimaginable pain.
Even if the loss of your husband was expected, you could still experience shock.
One widow recalled, “I felt shocked when the doctor said my husband’s cancer was terminal, but when he died, the shock returned. Even though I knew he was going to die, it was more than I could handle when he finally passed away.”
The loss of your husband is so painful, so terrible that your mind and emotions are overwhelmed.
When you look back on all that happened right after your loss, there is very little recollection of events during that time.
You probably instinctively responded like a robot.
You were efficient in getting done what needed to be done. Objectively functioning as though you were two different people.
This stage of shock and numbness is so common it is predictable.
Your response is normal!
You’re trying to make sense of your intense loss.
“All I could think of during the funeral was how pleased my husband would have been to see so many people and how he would have approved of all the details I had handled and decisions I had made. It was weeks before I realized the play was over and he was dead,”
“People talked to me, but I have no idea who was there or what they said. Neighbors brought food; my freezer was filled with food, and to this day I couldn’t tell you where it came from or who ate it.”
At some point, Widows must face the reality of their loss
Most widows assume the worst is over with the funeral and the brief mourning period that follows.
And because you held up so bravely, you can go back to you own life with an easy conscience.
But once friends and family are gone and you are dealing with the aftermath of loss disperse, reality sets in.
Emotions begin to surface are released like a storm as the shock wears off.
Shock is like what happens at my house when I plug too many electrical things in at the same time. It trips a breaker instead of causing a fire or destroying my electrical system. It leaves me without the ability to use my appliances.
That’s what happens to you when you are overloaded with grief from the death of your husband.
Your mind goes into shock mode, which allows you to keep going until you can reset the “breaker” of your emotions and mind.
It’s a natural God-given protection. It is like taking a sedative to calm you down until you can work through what’s stressing you out.
It shields you from the intensity of your feelings of loss that you have experienced.
It also may prevent you from understanding the whole experience of your loss until you can process all that is happening.
You might be wondering how long this will last. No one can tell you. Everyone responds differently to grief.
Shock is the calm before the storm. But it won’t last forever. The storm is the emotions that are released as you face the reality of your loss.
Emotions and behavior from your loss are often difficult to accept - mainly if you have hidden your true feelings up to now. They may unexpectantly come pouring out uninvited.
There aren’t any widows who are prepared for the onslaught of feeling going on inside.
Here’s how some widows describe their feelings that cause turmoil.
“I don’t feel like I am in charge.”
“It feels like I’m going crazy.”
“I’m obsessed with his absence.”
“I’m filled with rage.”
You feel like the emotional release you are experiencing can’t be normal – But It Is!
Can you believe that you are realizing and absorbing the fact that your husband is dead . . . and how your life is changing?
Can you believe that your feelings are a healthy response to reality, that the numbness is lifting, and the anesthesia is wearing off?
Believe it!
Talk to other widows.
You are on a grief journey you didn’t sign up for. You didn’t imagine it would be this confusing. This hard!
If you talk to other widows, you will discover they have the same fears and anxieties. You will realize you are not such a misfit after all.
This period of grieving is a widow’s time of greatest need. Unfortunately, it is when you are least able to use your support system.
This is mourning at its worst.
Widows in shock need family and friends for support after the death of their husband.
There is never a good time to deal with the gut-level feelings and frenetic brainwork that is going on inside.
While each of us must cope with our grief personally, this is the time when you need reassurance and the ever-present shoulder to lean on.
This is the time for honest admission with SAFE family and friends. Those who can listen as you share more than once the “I don’t knows,” “if only’s,” and “I can remember when’s” without becoming frustrated.
You don’t need to listen to those who counsel you to just to keep busy and not “think about it.
And you don’t need to get frustrated with those who greet you heartily with “You’re looking great,” followed by impersonal platitudes.
Learn to help yourself and allow others to help you by giving yourself permission to grieve. And let SAFE people acknowledge your loss and help them understand your need to grieve.
Widows in shock ask, “How long is my grief going to last?”
There is no good answer to that question,.
But grief has a process.
What is it?
What’s next?
What can you expect?
Here are some things you might experience in going from the days of disbelief to accepting your separation as final.
Grieving is a process that you coax along by making friends with it.
Those who get in trouble either expect too much of themselves too soon or believe in themselves too little.
Be gentle with yourself, give yourself permission to grieve, and don’t ever underestimate your future.
When you feel alone and lonely, remember that those are shared feelings by almost every widow who has lost someone wonderful.
The pain from grieving can be overwhelming and a challenge to overcome. It’s like a visitor who overstays their welcome.
But as your grief continues, you may feel more and more like things won’t ever get better. But they will!
You will get through this. But don’t try to do it alone. You will need help and support.
Give yourself permission to grieve!
