"For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:14 (ESV)
Sarah stood in her kitchen, staring into the open refrigerator. For the third time that week, her car keys were sitting between the milk and last night's leftovers.
Six months had passed since she lost James, her husband of thirty two years. These strange moments kept coming, and one question followed her everywhere.
Am I losing my mind?
If you've found your own keys somewhere strange, let me tell you what Sarah needed to hear. You are not losing your mind. You may be walking through what many widows call widow's fog.
You walk into a room and can't remember why. A word you've used all your life slips away in the middle of a sentence. You miss an appointment you wrote down twice. Days blur together until you honestly aren't sure if it's Tuesday or Thursday.
Many widows call this widow's fog. Counselors often call it grief brain. Whatever name you give it, it is common, it is real, and for most women it does not last forever.
It can be frightening, especially if you've always been the one who remembered everyone's birthday. So let's look at what is happening, why it may even be a mercy, and what helps.
01Your brain
What widow's fog really is
Think of your mind like a computer. On an ordinary day it runs many programs at once without a hiccup. Grief is an enormous program running in the background, all day and all night. It uses so much of your power that the small things, like where you set your glasses, start to slow down.
Part of that load is learning. For years your brain counted on one simple fact. He's here. Now it has to rebuild its whole map of the world without him, and that takes time and a great deal of energy.
What the research shows
The National Institute on Aging lists problems with concentration and a hard time making decisions among the common reactions to grief. Grief researcher Mary-Frances O'Connor at the University of Arizona explains that the brain only slowly learns that someone it loved is gone, which is why reaching for the phone to call him can make you feel like you're losing your mind. And research on stress shows that the stress hormone cortisol can make it harder to pull memories back up when you need them. (National Institute on Aging, University of Arizona, Cognitive Neuroscience Society)
One widow, Maria, remembers a doctor's visit not long after her husband died. When she was asked for her children's birth dates, she couldn't remember them. Panic set in. Was this the beginning of dementia?
Her doctor gently reassured her that memory lapses like this are common in grief. Three months later, as the heaviest weight began to lift, Maria noticed her memory coming back.
02Your heart
Why the fog may be a mercy
As frustrating as it is, the fog may also protect you. If the full weight of your loss landed all at once, it could be more than any heart could bear. The fog softens the edges and lets reality come in smaller doses.
It is a little like walking out of a dark room into bright sunlight. If your eyes adjusted all at once, it would hurt. Slowly, they learn to see again.
Go back to the verse at the top. The word David uses for "frame" is the Hebrew yetser. It comes from the same root as the word in Genesis 2 where God formed the first man from the dust, the way a potter shapes clay. God knows exactly how He made you. He is not surprised that a heart this broken has trouble remembering where the keys are.
"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:13, 14 (ESV)
On the days you can't remember, He remembers. He remembers you, and He remembers what you are made of. Whatever you believe, there is rest in being known that well. If you'd like to know more about the God who knows us like this, you can read about what a personal relationship with Jesus means.
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03Your days
Small things that help while the fog lifts
You can't rush the fog away. But you can make life gentler while you wait for it to lift.
Keep a few simple routines. The same breakfast, the same walk, the same time for bed. Routines carry you when your mind is too tired to plan.
Write things down. A notebook on the counter, a calendar on the refrigerator, sticky notes by the door. Let paper do some of the remembering for you.
Give your keys, your glasses and your phone one home each. A small bowl by the door can save a lot of tears.
Care for the body that is carrying all this. Sleep when you can, eat real meals, drink water, and take a short walk outside. A little daylight and movement can clear the haze for a while.
And sit with other widows when you're ready. Widows in support groups often end up laughing together about glasses left in the freezer and keys in strange places. Something loosens when you hear "Me too."
Try this week
Put one small bowl by your door for your keys and glasses, and one notebook on your kitchen counter. Each time you forget something, write it down without scolding yourself.
04Your next step
How long it lasts, and when to get help
Just as grief has no set timeline, neither does widow's fog. For some women it lifts in a few months. For others it lingers a year or more, and it often lifts in phases, clear one week and cloudy again the next. That back and forth is normal.
Still, please don't carry this alone. If the fog makes it hard to pay bills, take medicine correctly, drive safely or care for yourself, talk with your doctor. Not every memory problem is grief, and a doctor can check for other causes like poor sleep, medication side effects or other health changes. A grief counselor or a support group can help too. Asking for help is not weakness. It is wisdom.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
Psalm 46:1 (ESV)
Keep reading: Somewhere in the middle: widow grief timeline
Something to sit with this week
Write yourself a kind note
On the first page of your notebook, write one sentence to yourself in your own handwriting. Something like, "I am not losing my mind. I am grieving, and I am doing my best." Read it on the days the fog rolls in.
And if you'd like, pray something like this:
Lord, I can't seem to hold on to anything right now. Thank You that You remember what I forget. You know my frame. Please carry what I can't carry today.
Sarah's keys in the refrigerator were never proof that her mind was failing. They were proof that her heart was carrying something very heavy. Yours is too. Be gentle with yourself. The fog will lift, and the One who knows your frame has not forgotten you for a moment.
Blessings, Pastor Howard
Know a widow who needs this today?
Sometimes the kindest thing is a quiet "I thought of you."
What has the fog made you forget?
Where have your keys turned up, or what has slipped your mind since he died? Tell me in the comments below. I read every comment, and your words might help another widow feel less alone.