"Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you."
1 Kings 19:7 (ESV)
For years you were the one who noticed. You knew he needed a sweater before he did. You kept track of the pills, the appointments and the birthdays. If he was sick at the end, you may have spent months sleeping in a chair beside his bed.
Now the house is quiet. There is no one left to take care of. And somehow, no one quite thinks to take care of you.
So let me ask you gently. Who takes care of you now?
Maybe that question stings a little. Maybe you have been running on empty for so long that empty feels normal. You skip lunch, fall asleep in his chair, and put off your own doctor visit for one more month.
When people talk about self care for widows, it can sound like bubble baths and spa days, something for women whose lives haven't fallen apart. That is not what I mean. I mean the small, plain things that keep a grieving body and heart going. A glass of water. A warm shower. Sleep. A walk to the mailbox.
And if caring for yourself feels selfish, or even disloyal to him, you are not alone in that either.
01The guilt
Why caring for yourself can feel selfish
Many widows tell me they felt guilty the first time they enjoyed a cup of coffee on the porch. It felt wrong to be comfortable when he was gone.
But caring for yourself is not forgetting him. He cared for you too, in his own way, for a long time. Keeping yourself well is one way of honoring the love you shared. It carries his care forward.
Self care is not moving on or getting over it. It is simply giving yourself permission to be gentle with the woman he loved.
02Your body
Your body is grieving too
Grief does not live only in your heart. It shows up in your body. Trouble sleeping. Little interest in food. An ache in your chest. A tiredness that sleep doesn't fix.
What the research shows
The National Institute on Aging lists trouble sleeping and little interest in food among the common reactions to grief, and it encourages grieving people to keep up with visits to their doctor. A large study of adults aged 60 to 89 found that heart attacks and strokes were about twice as common in the 30 days after losing a partner, with the risk easing after that. (National Institute on Aging, JAMA Internal Medicine)
I don't share that to frighten you. I share it because your body deserves attention right now. If it has been a while, make a doctor's appointment. Tell your doctor that your husband died, and mention any trouble with sleep, eating or everyday tasks. That is not complaining. It is wisdom.
03God's care
What God did for a worn out prophet
There is a story in the Bible I come back to often with widows. The prophet Elijah was so exhausted and discouraged that he sat down under a broom tree in the wilderness and asked God to let him die. "It is enough," he said.
Notice what God did not do. He didn't lecture Elijah. He didn't hand him a list of ways to do better. He let him sleep. Then an angel touched him and set beside him warm bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water. Elijah ate, and he slept again. Then the angel came back.
"And the angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, 'Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.'"
1 Kings 19:7 (ESV)
The journey is too great for you. God said that. He wasn't scolding Elijah for being weak. He was telling the truth, and then He cared for Elijah's body before anything else. If God tends a worn out servant with bread, water and sleep, you are allowed to do the same for yourself.
If you have had days like Elijah's, when you have wished you could just stop living, please tell someone today. Call or text 988, or talk with your doctor or your pastor. You do not have to carry that alone.
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04Small steps
Self care for widows starts smaller than you think
In the early months you don't need a self care routine. You need one small thing. Keep a glass of water by your chair and sip through the day. Take a warm shower, or wash your face with a cool cloth when a shower feels like too much. Open the curtains in the morning.
These are not silly little things. They tell your body and your heart, I am still here, and I am worth caring for.
As you are ready, widen the circle a little. A short walk around the block. A cup of tea on the porch. A few lines in a journal. Some gentle stretching before bed.
Grief counselors often talk about the Dual Process Model. It simply means that healthy grieving moves back and forth between facing your loss and taking breaks from it. A walk in the sunshine or an hour with a puzzle is not running from grief. It is the rest that helps you keep carrying it.
Try this week
Choose one small act of care for each day this week. Write it on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror. When you do it, tell yourself, "That was for me, and that's alright."
05Your soul
Caring for your soul, too
Your soul is tired too. Jesus understood that. Once, when His disciples were so busy they had no time even to eat, He said to them:
"Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while."
Mark 6:31 (ESV)
The word Jesus used for rest is the Greek anapauō. It means to stop for a while so your strength can be restored, to be refreshed. Jesus did not shame His tired friends. He invited them to come and rest with Him.
Caring for your soul can be as simple as sitting quietly with a Psalm, listening to an old hymn, or telling God honestly how tired you are. If you're not sure where you stand with God, that's alright. His invitation to rest is for you too. You can read what a personal relationship with Jesus means here.
Caring for yourself also means letting others care for you. The next time a friend asks how she can help, give her a real answer. A meal, a ride, an hour of company.
Something to sit with this week
Make your own care list
Write down three simple things that help you feel even a little better. A certain chair by the window. A walk. A phone call with your sister. A favorite song. Keep the list where you can see it. On the hard days you won't have to think. Just pick one.
And if you'd like, pray something like this:
Lord, I am tired in ways I can't explain. Thank You that You don't scold the weary. Help me receive the care You give and the care others offer. Give me strength for today's part of the journey. Amen.
You spent years caring for him. That love was real, and it still is. Now let a little of that tenderness turn toward you. The journey is too great to walk on empty, and you are worth caring for.
Blessings, Pastor Howard
Know a widow who needs this today?
Sometimes the kindest thing is a quiet "I thought of you."
What small thing helps you most?
Is there one simple act of care that has helped you on a hard day? Tell me in the comments below. I read every comment, and your words might help another widow feel less alone.