You Want to Be There for Her.

But What If You Say the Wrong Thing?

Someone you care about has lost her husband.

Maybe she’s your sister. Your mother. Your daughter. A close friend. Someone from church. A neighbor you’ve known for years.

You care about her. You want to help. You want her to know she isn’t walking through this alone.

But if you’re like most people, there’s something you may be reluctant to admit:

You’re not always sure what to do.

What should you say when she suddenly starts crying? Should you mention her husband, or will saying his name make things harder? Should you encourage her to get out of the house? Should you give her space? What do you say when she tells you she’s angry with God? How often should you call?

And what happens six months from now when everyone else seems to have moved on, but she hasn’t?

Underneath all those questions is another one:

What if I mean well and accidentally make her grief harder?

That fear is more common than you might think.

Because most of us were never taught how to walk alongside someone whose husband has died.

So we guess.

And sometimes, even with the best intentions, we guess wrong.

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Good Intentions Aren’t Always Enough

Most people who say hurtful things to grieving widows aren’t trying to hurt them. They’re trying to help.

They say things like:

“He’s in a better place.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

“You’re so strong.”

Or the one almost all of us have probably said: “Let me know if you need anything.”

None of those words are meant to cause pain. But sometimes they do.

And then there’s another problem.

The funeral ends. The casseroles stop coming. The cards slow down. The phone rings less often. Everyone gradually returns to normal.

But she doesn’t have her old normal to return to.

His side of the bed is still empty. His chair is still empty. She is still making decisions they used to make together. Birthdays still come. Their anniversary still comes. Christmas still comes.

And sometimes the people who genuinely love her begin backing away. Not because they don’t care.

They simply don’t know what to do anymore.

That’s why I wrote this book.

What Grieving Widows Wish You Knew

About Grieving After the Death of Their Husband

How to Offer Comfort Without Unintentionally Making Things Worse

This isn’t really a book about becoming a grief expert.

It’s about becoming a better friend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better church member. A better neighbor.

Someone who knows how to walk beside a grieving widow without trying to fix something that cannot simply be fixed.

Because she doesn’t need you to have perfect words. She needs you to know how to love her well.

What If You Didn’t Have to Guess Anymore?

Imagine your friend calls you one afternoon. She’s crying. Something happened that suddenly brought her husband back to mind.

Maybe it was a song. A smell. Driving past a familiar restaurant. Finding something of his in a drawer. Or perhaps there was no obvious reason at all.

Before, you might have wondered: What do I say? Should I try to cheer her up? Is something wrong? Shouldn’t she be doing better by now?

But now you understand. This can be a completely normal part of grief.

So instead of trying to stop the tears, you listen. You don’t explain. You don’t fix. You don’t rush her.

Maybe you simply say:

“I’m here. Tell me about him.”

That is a very different kind of friendship.

This Book Grew Out of Listening to Widows

For more than 45 years, I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside widows.

I’ve sat with women in hospitals, living rooms, church offices and at gravesides. But some of the most important conversations have happened later.

After the funeral. After everyone else has gone home. After life was supposedly returning to normal.

I began hearing widows tell me what actually helped them. And what didn’t. What someone said that brought comfort. What someone said that hurt. Why certain friends made them feel safe. Why they stopped talking honestly around others.

And why the people they remembered most weren’t necessarily the ones who had the best advice.

They were the ones who stayed.

That’s the wisdom I want to put into your hands.

Not so you become her counselor. Not so you have all the answers.

But so you can stop wondering, “Am I doing this right?” and start becoming the kind of person she knows she can turn to.

You Don’t Have to Fix Her Grief

When someone we love is hurting, our natural instinct is to make the pain go away.

So we offer advice. We recommend books. We suggest counseling. We encourage her to get out more. We tell her she needs to take care of herself. We look for solutions.

But grief isn’t a broken appliance.

There is no repair button.

She didn’t simply lose her husband. She may have lost the person she talked with at the end of every day. The person who knew the family history. The person who helped make decisions. The person who slept beside her. The person she expected to grow old with. The future she thought they were going to share.

You cannot fix that.

But you can do something extraordinarily important.

You can walk beside her.

You can learn to listen without fixing. You can become comfortable with tears. You can say his name. You can ask her to tell you about him. You can recognize when silence is better than another sentence. You can offer practical help without taking over. You can remember the dates everyone else forgets.

And you can keep showing up after the casseroles stop coming.

Inside What Grieving Widows Wish You Knew, You’ll Discover:

• Why every widow’s grief is different and why imposing a timeline can unintentionally hurt her.
• What not to say and what you can say instead when you’re struggling to find the right words.
• How to support instead of solve so she feels heard rather than managed.
• How to sit with unbearable pain without feeling responsible for making it disappear.
• How faith fits into grief when she trusts God deeply, when she is struggling with God, and when she doesn’t know what she believes anymore.
• How to keep her grief from becoming about you even when her pain makes you uncomfortable.
• How to recognize grief triggers and understand why a song, smell, place, anniversary or ordinary moment can suddenly bring overwhelming emotion.
• Why grief may continue much longer than people expect and why that doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong.
• How to offer practical help that actually helps rather than putting the responsibility back on her.
• How to walk beside her through holidays and difficult dates when her husband’s absence may feel especially painful.
• How to care for yourself while caring for her so you can continue loving her without becoming emotionally depleted.

And perhaps most importantly:

You’ll discover why one of the greatest gifts you can give a grieving widow is simply to stay.

Perhaps You’re Thinking…

“I’m afraid I’ll still say something wrong.”

You probably will. I have. We all do.

The goal isn’t perfection.

A widow doesn’t need you to become a professionally trained grief counselor before you can be her friend.

She needs someone willing to listen, learn, apologize when necessary and keep showing up.

Imperfect love that stays is far better than perfect love that leaves.

“Her husband died quite a while ago. Is this still relevant?”

It may be more relevant now than it was during the first few weeks.

Immediately after a death, people often surround a widow. Months later, much of that support disappears.

But the empty chair hasn’t disappeared. Neither has their anniversary. His birthday. The holidays. Or the hundreds of little reminders woven into everyday life.

Your friendship may matter even more when everyone else assumes she should be doing better.

“But I’m not a counselor.”

Good. You don’t need to be.

This book isn’t going to teach you how to counsel her.

It’s going to help you love her.

Before You Decide, I’d Like You to Read Some of It

I don’t want you to buy this book based only on what I’m telling you here. I’d rather you experience it for yourself.

So I’d like to give you the:

A Word Before We Begin + Chapter Two FREE

Chapter Two, Staying Tuned In, walks through the well meaning things people say that can hurt, and what you can say instead. It speaks to the fear I hear most often.

Read them. Then ask yourself one simple question:

Would understanding more of this help me love her better?

Read the free sample

When You Get the Complete Book, I’m Also Giving You Three Practical Resources

I didn’t want the book to simply give you information. I wanted to put practical tools in your hands that you could actually use when you need them.

So I created three companion guides.

And you’ll receive all three FREE with your copy of What Grieving Widows Wish You Knew.

Think About the Widow Who Brought You Here

There’s a reason you’re reading this page. Someone came to mind.

In fact, you may have arrived here because you already sent something from Grieving Widows Matter to a widow you care about.

You wanted to encourage her.

That tells me something.

You care.

But what if the next gift you gave her wasn’t another article?

What if the next gift was becoming an even better friend to her?

The kind of friend who understands why she can laugh on Tuesday and fall apart on Wednesday. The kind who isn’t frightened by her tears. The kind who doesn’t expect her grief to follow a timetable. The kind who remembers her husband’s birthday. The kind who isn’t afraid to say his name.

The kind who can sit beside her and say:

“I don’t know what to say. But I’m here.”

And perhaps most importantly:

The kind who is still there six months later.

My 30 Day “Read It and Decide” Guarantee

I want you to feel good about purchasing this resource.

So read the book. Look through the bonuses. Put what you learn into practice.

If within 30 days you decide this package isn’t helping you better understand and support the widow you care about, simply email me at howard@grievingwidowsmatter.com and I’ll refund your purchase.

You have 30 days to read it and decide.

One Last Thought

You will never understand exactly what she is going through. You can’t. Her relationship with her husband was uniquely hers. Her loss is uniquely hers. And her grief will be uniquely hers.

But you can understand better.

You can learn what helps. You can learn what hurts. You can stop guessing. You can become more comfortable when she cries. You can learn when to speak and when to simply listen. You can remember the difficult days. And you can keep showing up.

After years of listening to widows, I’ve learned something I wish more people understood.

The people who make the greatest difference aren’t necessarily the ones with the best advice.

They’re often the ones who simply refuse to disappear.

You don’t have to become a grief expert. You don’t have to become her counselor. And you certainly don’t have to fix her.

Just learn how to love her well.

And stay.

You may never fully know how much your faithful presence means to her.

But she will.

Walking with you,
Pastor Howard Smith
Pastor and Grief Group Facilitator

Howard Smith is a pastor and grief group facilitator, not a licensed counselor. This book offers educational and faith based encouragement, not medical, psychological or professional counseling advice.