"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3 (ESV)
It's the question most widows carry quietly. Maybe you typed it into your phone at two in the morning, when the house was too still to sleep. Does the pain of losing a husband ever go away?
You deserve an honest answer, so here it is. It doesn't go away the way a cold goes away. But it won't stay the way it feels tonight, either. It changes. It softens. And one day, it will be gone for good.
I wonder how many widows stopped asking out loud because they were afraid of the answer.
Maybe someone told you time heals all wounds. Then the first year passed, and the second year hurt in ways the first one didn't.
Maybe you laughed at something on TV last week and felt a stab of guilt right behind it. As if feeling a little better meant loving him a little less.
Or maybe you're afraid of the opposite. That if the pain of losing your husband ever does go away, he'll go with it.
If that sounds like you, you're not doing grief wrong. You're asking one of the most honest questions a widow can ask.
01The honest answer
Why the pain of losing a husband doesn't just disappear
Here's something no one says at the funeral. Grief is love with nowhere to go.
You loved him for years. Maybe for decades. That love didn't end when his heart stopped. The ache isn't a sign that something is broken in you. It's a sign of how much was there.
That's why this pain doesn't vanish on a schedule. Would you really want a love like that to disappear overnight?
But here's the good news. The sharpest edge usually doesn't last forever.
What the research shows
The National Institute on Aging puts it simply: "for most people, the intense pain will lessen." The American Psychiatric Association agrees that for most people, grief symptoms ease with time. (National Institute on Aging, American Psychiatric Association)
Keep reading: Somewhere in the middle: widow grief timeline
02What grief counselors know
Your life grows around the grief
Grief counselor Lois Tonkin once heard a grieving mother describe her loss. She drew a circle for her life and shaded most of it in for her grief.
She had expected the shaded part to shrink over time. It didn't. The grief stayed just as big. But slowly, her life grew around it.
What grief counselors know
Counselors call this growing around grief. The grief doesn't get smaller. Your life gets bigger. New friendships, routines and reasons to get up in the morning grow around the place where he used to be. (Cruse Bereavement Support)
So you don't have to choose between healing and holding on. You can keep loving him and telling his stories, and still let new life grow. Growth is slow, and most of it happens where you can't see it yet.
Try this week
Draw a circle and shade it in for your grief. Just outside the shading, write one small thing that has grown since he died. A friend who calls. A recipe you learned. The fact that you're reading this.
A free gift, if it would help
3 Secrets Every Widow Wishes She Knew About Grief
If you've wondered what else no one told you about grief, this short guide gently answers what widows wish they had known sooner.
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03A story from Genesis
A limp and a blessing
There's a strange and wonderful story in Genesis 32. A man named Jacob was afraid and at the end of himself. The Bible says, "And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day." Genesis 32:24 (ESV)
Jacob wrestled all night, and by morning he understood he had been wrestling with God Himself. Somewhere in the dark, his hip was put out of joint. Still he held on. "I will not let you go unless you bless me," he said. Genesis 32:26 (ESV)
And God did bless him. He gave Jacob a new name, Israel.
But look at how the story ends.
"The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip."
Genesis 32:31 (ESV)
The sun came up. The blessing was real. And Jacob limped.
I think that may be the most honest picture of widowhood in the Bible. You may walk a little differently for the rest of your life. That doesn't mean God has left you. Some of the deepest blessings come to people who limp.
Maybe your wrestling has been with God too. Asking why. Asking where He was. That isn't a lack of faith. Sometimes holding on and wrestling look exactly the same.
04Back to our verse
He binds up what still hurts
Remember the verse at the top? "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 (ESV)
The Hebrew word for "binds up" is chabash. It means to wrap something firmly, the way you would bandage a wound. It's also the word the Bible uses when Abraham saddled his donkey for a long journey in Genesis 22:3.
I love that. God doesn't only wrap the wound. He gets you ready for the road.
A bandage doesn't mean the wound is gone. It means someone is caring for it while it heals. Day by day, sometimes so gently you don't notice, God tends what still hurts.
05The rest of the answer
The day the pain is gone for good
After Jesus rose from the dead, He still had scars. He showed them to His friend Thomas. "Put your finger here, and see my hands." John 20:27 (ESV)
The risen Jesus kept His wounds. But they don't hurt Him anymore. They tell a story of love that cost Him everything, and a victory death couldn't undo.
That's where your story is headed too. The Bible promises a day when God "will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more." Revelation 21:4 (ESV).
Not a day when you forget him. A day when the hurt is finally finished.
Until then, Jesus doesn't wait for you to stop hurting before He comes close. He comes close because you hurt. He knows what wounds feel like from the inside.
If you're not sure where you stand with Jesus, that's okay. The door is open, and you can walk toward it at your own pace. Here's what a personal relationship with Jesus really means.
Today's devotional: Every Tear, for the widow who cries alone
When to reach out for more help
For some widows, the pain doesn't loosen its grip. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that 4 to 15 percent of grieving adults develop prolonged grief disorder, where intense longing stays fierce more than a year later and makes daily life very hard. That isn't a failure of faith. It's a reason to talk with your doctor, a grief group or a counselor. And if you ever feel you can't go on, call or text 988 any time.
Something to sit with this week
What would you want the pain to become?
Not disappear. Become. Maybe gratitude. Maybe a gentleness toward other hurting people. Take a few quiet minutes to wonder about that, and tell God what you hope for.
Whatever you believe, you're welcome to borrow this prayer.
Lord, I don't know if this pain will ever leave me. Some days I'm afraid it will, and some days I'm afraid it won't. Please bind up what still hurts. Grow something new around this empty place. And hold on to me, the way Jacob held on to You. Amen.
So does the pain of losing a husband ever go away? The love won't. The ache will change. And one morning the sun will rise on a day with no more tears. Until then, you may walk with a limp. But you'll walk with a blessing too.
Blessings, Pastor Howard
Know a widow who needs this today?
Sometimes the kindest thing is a quiet "I thought of you."
What has grown around your grief, even something small?
Maybe it is a friend, a habit, or a quiet moment with God you did not have before. I would love to hear about it. Tell me in the comments below. I read every comment, and your words might help another widow feel less alone.