"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
Psalm 56:8 (ESV)
Maybe you've wondered, "Am I doing this wrong?" One day you cry over everything. The next day you can't cry at all. You sleep all night and wake up exhausted. You walk into a room and forget why you came.
And then, out of nowhere, something makes you laugh. For a few seconds you feel almost normal. Then the guilt arrives. How can I laugh when he's gone?
Feeling all of this does not mean you are grieving wrong. It means you loved him.
If you're asking, "Is my grief normal after losing my husband?" you are asking one of the most common questions widows ever ask. Especially in the first year.
Here is the honest answer. Grief has a much wider range of normal than most of us were ever told. There is no timetable you are falling behind on. The National Institute on Aging puts it simply: "There are no rules about how you should feel" (National Institute on Aging).
That doesn't mean every way of coping is healthy. Numbing the pain with alcohol, shutting everyone out, or never letting yourself feel it at all can keep you stuck. We'll talk about when to reach for more help.
But crying, forgetting, laughing, and feeling numb by turns? That isn't grieving wrong. That's grieving.
David knew this feeling. Long before he became Israel's best known king, he was the shepherd boy who faced Goliath. Later he spent years running for his life from jealous King Saul. He wrote Psalm 56 in one of those dark seasons, after enemies seized him in the Philistine city of Gath. Alone and afraid, he tells God, "You have kept count of my tossings." The Hebrew word behind tossings is nod. It means wandering, the restless roaming of someone with no settled place to land. The ESV even notes it can be read "wanderings."
That is the first year. And God is keeping count of every bit of it.
01Not a straight line
Your first year is not a checklist
You may have heard of the stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
They can help name what you feel. But they can also make grief sound like a list. Check off each box and one day you are finished.
Grief rarely works that way. You can feel peaceful at breakfast and angry by lunch. You can have three good days and then one that feels as raw as the first week. That does not mean you are going backward.
What grief counselors know
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe the Dual Process Model. Healthy grieving moves back and forth. Sometimes you face the loss itself. Sometimes you turn toward the new tasks of life, or simply take a rest from grief for a while. That back and forth is not a failure. It is how people cope (Stroebe and Schut, Death Studies).
So the morning you laughed with your sister was not a betrayal. It was your heart taking a breath.
02Your mind and body
The fog, the forgetting, and the tired that sleep won't fix
The first weeks can feel unreal. You might reach for your phone to call him. You might hear a sound and think, for half a second, that he's coming through the door. You might wake up and forget, then remember all over again.
None of this means you are losing your mind. For years your brain built its picture of life with him in it. Now it is slowly redrawing that picture. That takes time.
What the research shows
The National Institute on Aging notes that grieving people often have trouble sleeping, little interest in food, problems concentrating, and a hard time making decisions (National Institute on Aging).
So a shower can feel like a project. Making dinner for one can undo you. Your body is carrying some of what your heart is carrying. Still, new or lingering symptoms deserve a visit to your doctor. Caring for your body right now is not selfish. It's wise.
Try this week
Each morning, write down the three things that truly matter today and let the rest wait. And if a big decision, like selling the house, can wait until you are thinking more clearly, let it wait.
A free gift, if it would help
3 Secrets Every Widow Wishes She Knew About Grief
If your first year feels like a fog, this short guide offers the gentle truths I wish every widow heard at the very beginning.
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03The firsts
The firsts, and the feelings that don't match
The first year holds a string of days you wish you could skip. His birthday. Your anniversary. The first Christmas. The first wedding you attend alone. The first form that asks for your marital status.
Then come the quiet firsts nobody else notices. The car needs repairs and he isn't there. Something wonderful happens and he is the one you want to tell.
A hard day does not erase your progress. It means something touched the place where you still love him.
Your feelings may not make sense either. You can be grateful for the years you had and angry you didn't get more. You can trust God and still have questions for Him. You can miss him terribly and still enjoy having the remote to yourself.
If he suffered through a long illness, you may even feel relief. Then guilt for feeling relieved. Relief that his suffering is over is not a lack of love. Often it is the very love that watched him hurt for so long.
Your feelings don't have to agree with each other. Let them be what they are.
04Your people
When relationships change and you wonder who you are
This may be one of the most painful surprises of the first year. Some people will be wonderful. Some will disappear. A few will say things that make you wonder if they thought before they spoke.
"Everything happens for a reason." "At least you had him all those years." "I know exactly how you feel."
Most of them mean well. They just don't know what to say.
You have permission to decide what you're ready for. You don't have to go to everything. But be careful about disappearing completely. Grief often whispers, stay home, stay away. What you really need is a few safe people who will listen without trying to fix you.
Somewhere in all this, a bigger question may surface. Who am I now? You don't have to answer it this year. Grief counselors talk about continuing bonds, the idea that your love for him doesn't end. It changes shape. Carrying it into the life still in front of you is not betraying him.
05Your faith
And what about God?
For some widows, grief draws them closer to God. For others, it stirs questions they are almost afraid to say out loud. Where were You? Why didn't You answer the way I begged You to?
Those questions do not frighten God. The Bible is full of grieving people who spoke to Him honestly. David prayed:
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?"
Psalm 13:1 (ESV)
And Jesus Himself stood at the grave of His friend Lazarus and wept. He knew He was about to call Lazarus out of that tomb. He wept anyway. Your tears are not a lack of faith. Jesus cried them too.
Remember the verse at the top? God keeps count of your tossings. He puts your tears in His bottle. Not one is wasted. Not one is forgotten. Not one is too much for Him.
Here is what Christian hope is, and what it isn't. It isn't pretending death doesn't hurt. Paul wrote that believers do not grieve "as others do who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13, ESV). Notice what he didn't say. He didn't say don't grieve. He said grieve with hope.
That hope doesn't rest on how well you grieve. It rests on what Jesus has already done. He walked through death and came out the other side.
If you're not sure where you stand with God, that's alright. You don't have to tidy up your questions first. If you'd like to know more, I wrote about what a personal relationship with Jesus really means. The door stays open.
06A simple roadmap
Is my grief normal? What to expect in the first year
I wish I could hand you a calendar that says exactly what month four will feel like. No one can. But here is a simple roadmap.
- Expect grief to changeThe intensity will rise and fall, like waves on a shore.
- Expect surprisesA song in the grocery store may hit harder than his birthday did.
- Expect your mind and body to need timeYou have had a major loss, not a small inconvenience.
- Expect some people not to understandLook for the ones who are willing to listen.
- Expect good things to slowly returnLunch with a friend you actually enjoyed. A real laugh. An hour, then an afternoon, when the weight feels lighter. That doesn't mean you are forgetting him. It means you are learning to carry him with you.
When grief needs more help
Most grief, even very painful grief, is normal. The American Psychiatric Association describes prolonged grief disorder as intense grief that still disrupts daily life nearly every day at least a year after the loss (American Psychiatric Association). You don't have to wait that long to ask for help. If you can't manage daily life, if you are leaning on alcohol to get through, or if you feel life isn't worth living, please reach out to your doctor, a grief counselor, or a support group. In the U.S. you can call or text 988 any time.
Sometimes courage looks like saying, "I think I need some help with this."
Something to sit with this week
Take the next hour
You don't have to figure out the rest of your life today. Just today. And if today feels too big, take the next hour.
Eat something. Call someone safe. Step outside. Rest. Pray honestly, even if the whole prayer is, "God, help me."
Instead of asking, "Am I grieving correctly?" try asking, "Am I letting myself grieve honestly, and taking one small step toward living?"
Whatever you believe, you're welcome to borrow this prayer.
God, I don't know if I'm doing this right. Some days I can't stop crying, and some days I feel nothing at all. Thank You that You keep count of every one of my tears. Help me through the next hour. Then the one after that. Amen.
Your tears don't mean you are grieving wrong. You are not behind. You are walking through the hardest thing you may ever walk through, one honest hour at a time, and you do not walk it alone.
Blessings, Pastor Howard
Know a widow who needs this today?
Sometimes the kindest thing is a quiet "I thought of you."
What surprised you most about your first year?
Maybe it was a feeling, a first, or something someone said. Tell me in the comments below. I read every comment, and your words might help another widow feel less alone.