"Weep with those who weep."
Romans 12:15 (ESV)
There's an old story about a little girl who came home from a neighbor's house much later than she was supposed to. Her mother had been watching the clock. "Where have you been?" she asked.
The girl said her friend's doll had broken. "Oh," said her mother, "so you stayed to help her fix it?"
"No, Mama," the little girl said. "I stayed to help her cry."
I don't know if that ever really happened. But I know it's true.
Since your husband died, how many people have tried to fix the doll?
Maybe it started at the funeral. Someone squeezed your hand and told you he was in a better place. Then came the advice. Sell the house. Get a dog. Stay busy. Take a trip. Don't make any big decisions. Make a decision already.
Everyone wants you to be okay. Honestly, so do you.
So maybe you've found yourself searching late at night for how to get over losing your husband. As if there were a set of instructions somewhere that you just haven't found yet.
Here's the honest answer. You don't get over it. Not because you're doing it wrong. Because grief is not a problem to be solved.
Megan Devine says it well in her book It's OK That You're Not OK: "Grief is not a problem to be solved; it's an experience to be carried."
Carried. Not fixed.
01The fixers
Why everyone wants to fix your grief
People who love you hate watching you hurt. For a lot of them, fixing is how they show love. Advice gives them something to do with their hands.
Your pain also makes them uncomfortable. It stirs up their own losses. So the suggestions come fast.
The Bible knows this story. When Job lost his children and nearly everything else, three friends came. At first they did the best thing anyone could do. "They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great" Job 2:13 (ESV).
The trouble started when they opened their mouths and tried to explain his pain. In the end, God said they had it wrong.
What the research shows
The National Institute on Aging puts it plainly: "There are no rules about how you should feel." It also says, "Mourning takes time." (National Institute on Aging)
Keep reading: Well meant words: 6 myths about grief every widow hears
02The fixer inside
When you try to fix your own grief
Sometimes the hardest fixer to quiet is the one inside you.
Maybe you were always the one who got things done. So now you treat grief like a project. You read the books. You wonder which stage you're in, and why you're not further along.
Then you have a good week, and a wave knocks you flat in the cereal aisle. And it feels like you failed.
You didn't fail. Grief is not something broken in you. It's love that has lost the one it was reaching for. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It shows how much was right.
What grief counselors know
Counselors often draw a line between grief and mourning. Grief is what you feel inside. Mourning is letting it out: the tears, the stories, saying his name out loud. Grief locked inside tends to grow heavier. As the National Institute on Aging says, "Try not to ignore your grief." (National Institute on Aging)
Try this week
When you catch yourself asking, "Why am I not over this yet?" trade it for a kinder question: "What does my heart need today?" Maybe it's tears. Maybe it's a walk. Maybe it's calling someone just to say his name.
A free gift, if it would help
3 Secrets Every Widow Wishes She Knew About Grief
If you've been wondering whether you're grieving the right way, this short guide shares three honest truths widows say they wish they'd known sooner.
No cost. No pressure. Unsubscribe any time.
03Called alongside
What grief needs instead of fixing
Go back to the verse at the top. Paul didn't write, "Fix those who weep." He wrote this:
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."
Romans 12:15 (ESV)
That's the little girl with the broken doll. She couldn't fix it. So she sat down and cried with her friend.
Paul writes about God the same way. He calls Him "the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction" 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4 (ESV).
The Greek word for comfort there is parakaleo. It's built from two small words: para, beside, and kaleo, to call. To comfort someone is to be called to their side. Biblical comfort isn't a repair job done from across the room. It's someone who comes close.
That's what grief needs most. Not answers. A witness. Someone who will listen without hurrying you along.
Try this week
Tell one of your fixers what you really need. It can be as simple as, "You don't have to fix this. Would you just sit with me for a while?" Or, "Would you tell me a story about him?"
One honest word. If months after his death your grief is so heavy you can't get through ordinary days, please talk with your doctor or a counselor. That isn't failing at faith. Sometimes grief needs extra help, and help is available. If you ever feel you can't go on, call or text 988 any time.
04The One who could fix it
Jesus didn't hurry past the tears
In John 11, Jesus arrived in the village of Bethany four days after His friend Lazarus died. His sisters, Mary and Martha, were heartbroken.
Here's what amazes me. Jesus knew that in a few minutes He would call Lazarus out of the tomb alive. If anyone ever had the right to skip the grief and go straight to the solution, it was Him.
But when He saw Mary weeping, "he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled" John 11:33 (ESV). And then came the shortest verse in the Bible.
"Jesus wept."
John 11:35 (ESV)
He didn't hand Mary a fix. He stood at the grave and cried with her.
Keep reading: He Wept Anyway
That tells you something about how God sees you tonight. He doesn't see a problem to be solved. He sees a daughter He loves, sitting in the dark.
Isaiah said this about Jesus: "Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" Isaiah 53:4 (ESV). Notice that word again. Carried. He doesn't fix your sorrow from a distance. He comes close enough to carry it.
One day He will wipe away every tear. That's His work, not your assignment for this week. Until then, "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted" Psalm 34:18 (ESV).
You don't have to have it figured out to come to Him. You don't even have to be sure what you believe. If you've wondered what it would mean to know Jesus personally, I wrote about that here: what a personal relationship with Jesus really means. The door is open.
Today's devotional: Through, Not Around, for the valley you can't go around
Something to sit with this week
What if you stopped trying to fix it today?
Just for today, let your grief be what it is. Not a project. Not a test. Simply love that misses him. Whatever you believe, you're welcome to borrow this prayer.
Lord, I'm tired of trying to fix what I can't fix. I miss him. Please come close and sit with me in this. Carry what I can't carry. Amen.
The little girl couldn't fix the doll. I can't fix your heart, and neither can you. But you don't have to cry alone. Not tonight. Not ever.
Blessings, Pastor Howard
Know a widow who needs this today?
Sometimes the kindest thing is a quiet "I thought of you."
What has someone done that truly helped, without trying to fix you?
Maybe a friend who just sat with you, or someone who said his name out loud. Tell me in the comments below. I read every comment, and your words might help another widow feel less alone.